Let it Go.

In a recent conversation with a friend regarding her rapidly failing marriage, the subject of faith came up. As my friend and her husband are not Christians, this was an unusual topic for us to broach. However, in the depths of of her misery, my friend seemed to realize there was less and less hope in life without God somewhere in the equation. Regardless, not ready to "go there", she gently disregarded the thought that God could save her marriage. Talking things out with her, I said, "[Friend], I know as a believer that within my marriage, when my husband and I have conflict, we always have the Gospel to rely on as our guide. My question for you is, who or what is your guide? If you are going off of something, perhaps, a counselor has said, are you not using that particular person's own opinions of what your marriage should be as the guidelines for your marriage?"

Unfortunately, even for Christians, submitting to the gospel within our marriage can be a difficult struggle. As newlyweds, my husband and I are still getting to know one another as a spouse. Because we didn't live together before marriage (a seemingly "old fashioned" concept these days), we are still adjusting to meshing our lives, our space, our bank accounts and our sock drawer. Recently, I was having a pretty down day. Actually, a down few days. I was having trouble picking my battles with my new husband and figuring out which things were quirky husband-type things and which things, in my self-focused mind, could be potential issues later and should be addressed immediately! Conveniently forgetting, in my selfishness, that I am nowhere near perfect myself, I forged ahead, picking apart every flaw in my sweet husband and throwing it into his face. "Did you not see the stack of dishes sitting here?" "Is there a reason you insist on leaving the TV on when you leave the room?" After a few days of this, we were at a bit of a stand-off. My husband had just given up on thinking he could do something right, and I was just waiting for him to mess up yet again so I could point it out ever so helpfully. Had I been spending time reading my Bible or praying for guidance about my frustrations, instead of listing them out for my husband to correct at my command, I might have been able to approach these things with humility and grace instead of self-righteousness. I'm betting that within this humility, I might have recognized some of my own faults that my husband lovingly overlooks in lieu of a pointless argument. I might also have then identified the love of God within the words of the Bible, and have felt renewed...able to approach my marriage with a fresh perspective and a lighter heart. Instead, my husband and I drove silently to church last Sunday morning. We darted sideways looks at one another, waiting for the other to break the loud silence. We missed worship because we were late, and so we slid into our chairs as the service began. As the message was spoken, my heart lightened some, but I still wasn't ready to let go. At the end of the service, our pastor asked if any married couples wanted to come up and get prayer, almost as a renewing of vows. My husband took my hand and squeezed it, and unspoken plea to go with him to the front. I swallowed my pride for once, and we walked up to the front together. Someone we passed gave us a smile and said, "you two are newlyweds, you don't need to be up here!" If only she knew, I thought, how much I've already swayed from my vows to honor and respect my husband. What has happened to me in such a short time?!

After a few moments, a friend approached us and prayed deeply, quietly, intimately over us...for God's blessing upon our new marriage.... and in the quiet drone of this friend's voice, the tears finally spilled over from my eyes. I felt myself let go of the anger and submit to the will of God, which is to honor my husband, and love my husband, and give grace to my husband. After all, isn't that the way God loves me?

Blue Skies

So, it's been a year since I've written an entry on here...I am in utter shock how fast the year has flown by! And by how many things have changed since then. This is where the concept of the "God box" would truly shine--writing down your worries, concerns and stressors, and put them in a box that symbolizes leaving them to God to work out. Then, after a year you can take out the slips of paper and see God's hand in your life. Had I done that one year ago, I guarantee I would be even more overwhelmed by His grace and faithfulness as I sorted through them today. Maybe I will begin one now...

All I can say today, right now, is that I'm happy. This has been the hardest year of my life, but I can wholeheartedly appreciate today because of it. I would like to begin writing here again; it's such an outlet for me and I enjoy it immensely. Most likely, it will be sporadic at best, but one can dream!

Splish, Splash!

My niece, Tori, who I babysit during the summers, and I have been spending this summer trying to find the perfect pool. Since I also have MaryJane, it's got to be a pool that offers fun things for Tori to do, plus nice shaded areas for MaryJane and I to hang out in that are close to the 'action' so I can keep an eye on Tori. Tori loves slides, which, thankfully, most pools now have so that's also a plus. So here's my brief reviews of the pools we've visited this summer:

Premier Athletic Club - Upper Arlington/Dublin area, Sawmill Road
$$$ - attendence with membership to club only

Premier offers three pools; two outdoor and one indoor, plus a two small kiddie pools. The main pool outdoors that is kid-friendly features a small curvy slide and a mushroom waterfall. All and all, it's just ok. Tori really enjoys it but I think that's because it's not that crowded.

Big Splash - Grove City, Southwest Blvd.
$ - $16 for the three of us

Big Splash has a nice kiddie area with a zero-depth entry into the main pool (which I love, since I'm carrying a baby around) and two nice size slides. There is a lot of shade to sit in, although it's not set up very well to keep an eye on kids in the pool. I usually end up walking around in order to watch Tori. All in all, it's a good value for the money.

Hilliard City Pool West - Veterans Memorial Drive
$$ $18 for the three of us

This pool was my favorite. Four large pools: one with a diving board, one with two slides, a lap pool, a huge kiddie pool/area with a setup that rivals the old Wyandotte Lake Christopher's Island area, plus there's even a lazy river. There are several grassy areas to sit surrounding each pool, and free use of rafts and life vests. The only problem was if Tori got bored of one pool and wanted to go to a different one, we had to relocate all of our stuff so I could keep an eye on her. I finally had to tell her to just pick one pool to play in. Overall, not a bad value for the money.

Reed Rd Water Park - Upper Arlington, Reed Rd
$$$ $20 for the three of us

Extremely expensive for what you get, in my opinion. There are two really nice slides, though, and a lazy river. There's a large kiddie play area with a zero-entry pool, and a diving board with a deep pool although all the pools are linked together so it's really just one big area. There is a 'lazy river' as well, but it's just a glorified circle. One thing that I thought was really cool, though, was the community aspect of this pool. Quite a few times, people offered up benches for me (since I was carrying the baby around, watching Tori slide down the slides) and during the rest periods, all of the men lifeguards would line up at the diving boards while the kids would sit on the edge of the opposite end of the pool, chanting "Get Us Soaked!" "We Want Splashed!" "Can-non-ball!" etc. The boys would try to get the biggest splash they could and soak the kids. It was quite hilarious to watch. If I had someone else to go with, this would probably be my favorite pool because it's not too big, there are good seating areas, and lots of stuff for the kids to do.

Hopefully all of this pool-hopping will give me a good idea of which pool to get a membership to next summer!

Yet Another Testament of His Love...

The Lord is truly my strength. He has helped me in ways I still can't wrap my mind around. However one of the most powerful and clear ways that He has shown His willingness to provide happened yesterday afternoon.

I took MaryJane to a lactation consultant yesterday because we were having some breastfeeding issues. As it turns out, there is a physical reason why she is having trouble nursing, which in turn has caused my milk supply to decrease dramatically. So, while I build it back up, the consultant told me that I have to supplement her at each feeding. While I have the option of using formula to supplement, that is personally not a route I feel is appropriate for us. Therefore, the only other option was to supplement with donor breast milk. This, however, meant that I had to FIND donor breast milk. Not an easy task, although not impossible either. However, the friends I contacted had either used up the milk they had saved, only had a little to give, or needed time to get milk for me. By yesterday afternoon, we were able to find enough to get us through until the next day but it was going to be tight.

Then, I received a phone call. My good friend, who had already generously began a milk donation for us, was looking out of her window at her neighbor's yard, where the neighbors were outside playing. This neighbor is a friend of hers, and someone she knew would probably have some milk to donate as well. She walked over and explained my situation to this person, and asked if she might be able to help out. The friend said that she did, in fact, have milk she could donate. Not only did she have milk, she had a LOT of milk, milk that she had just decided that day that she was going to throw out since she wasn't going to be able use it all. She packed it all up in a bag and gave it to my friend, who then let me know what had happened. I was able to pick the milk up yesterday afternoon; there is enough milk for weeks and weeks of supplementing- probably more than I will even need!

I can't even begin to say how thankful I am to my friends, to this person that I don't even know who so generously gave her milk, and to God for providing for my daughter at a time when I am not able to. It's wonderful to know that our Father is providing for us in all of the ways that we need.

She is Love

As my precious MaryJane turns two weeks old today, it already seems like she's been in my life forever. I can't imagine a day without her, or what my life was like before she was here. It's been the hardest but most rewarding experience so far and I have already learned so much! I lose hours of the day because I can't stop staring at her and studying her little face. She makes so many expressions and she just loves to gesticulate with those hands! I understand now why people say that you don't know love until you have a child.

The cloth diapers are going so well, I honestly find them to be easier than the disposables I used the first few days until she passed all of her meconium. The breastfeeding has been more of a challenge, but we are getting the hang of it more and more each day.

I heard this song the other day and it made me sob because it's so sweet and tender and it makes me think of the love I have for my little girl.

MaryJane's Waterbirth Story

On Monday. March 2 I was eating lunch when I started having mild contractions. I lay down to nap before work and when I awoke an hour later, I was still having contractions, but not strong or consistent. I decided to go ahead and go to work, but as the afternoon progressed, my discomfort increased. I ended up leaving work early, and went back to bed when I got home. The contractions ended up stopping shortly after. I didn't think much about it, as I had been having Braxton Hicks for a few days on and off and knew they could go for weeks before labor began.

The next morning, Tuesday March 3, I awoke a little before 8:00 am and I already had the feeling that today could be the day. I went into the bathroom to take a shower and while standing waiting for the water to warm up I felt a distinct "pop" followed by a little gush of water. I instantly knew my water had broken. I ran to get my phone and then returned to the bathroom where I could stand on some towels and I tried to decide who to call first. I called my mom, who decided to go ahead and leave work and come home, and then I called my midwife, Amy, followed by my doula, Amanda. Amy had some appointments to take, but said she'd be by later to check on me. She warned that my labor would be a bit more intense since my water had broken but to take it easy, rest and eat lightly and drink as much water as I could. Amanda stopped by right after my mom arrived home, around 9:00 am, to check on me since she was in the area. My contractions had just begun and weren't bad at all, so she returned home to take care of some things with the instructions to call when I was ready.

My mom made me a light breakfast of toast and eggs, and then we decided to begin setting up the birthing pool. Looking back now, I think we both intuitively knew to do this first thing. During this time my contractions began to intensify quickly, and were about five minutes apart by 10:00 am. My mom began to realize that my labor was progressing much faster than we had anticipated, so she decided to call Amy back. Amy decided to turn around and come back over just to check me, that way she could decide what to do from there about the rest of her appointments. We also called Amanda and had her go ahead and come over when she was ready.

Once Amy and Amanda arrived, around 10:15 - 10:30, Amy checked me and found I was at 3 cm dialted and 90% effaced. She also noticed that the head that she was supposed to be feeling felt more like a butt, and although it was still early and too hard to tell for sure, she did want to call Kathy, my other midwife, and let her know. She must have also told Kathy to start heading over to my house at that point, because my labor was progressing much faster than anyone had guessed. During this time, Amanda and my mom were helping me through my contractions by rubbing my back and putting cool towels on my forehead and neck. It made so much of a difference to have them there helping me. It also felt great to sit on the birthing ball and to lean against someone while I was breathing through the contractions. They were intense and it seemed like they were coming so close together, sometimes with one beginning right after another had just ended. However all of the love and support in the room made me feel empowered and I just took them one at a time.

Things begin to get blurry time-wise after this point, but I know my sister showed up with the video camera and Kathy was not far behind her. This must have been around 12:00 noon or so. Kathy checked me and found I had dialated to 8, almost 9 cm by that point! She also confirmed our fears: baby MJ was breech, with her butt presenting instead of her head. We decided to take a few minutes to pray about what to do, as if I had decided to transfer to the hospital I would have definitely had a Cesarean section. I was in so much pain with the contractions that for a moment the thought of having pain medication and not having to go through any more labor was quite tempting. However, I knew that it was not the birth that I had wanted, and I also knew that I did not want my baby to have to go through such a traumatic experience in her first moments out of the womb. Both Kathy and Amy were very encouraging and supportive, but were also honest about what we needed to be expect and made sure that I knew all of the risks of birthing a breech baby so I could make an informed decision. After Amanda and I prayed together, I decided to stay at home and birth my baby the way we had planned.

Once that had been decided, Kathy told me that once I dialated to 10 cm, I would have to wait one hour before pushing. This was to ensure that the cervix had fully opened so that the baby's head would be able to pass quickly through once I began pushing. I got into the pool and it immediately helped to ease the pain of the contractions. Amanda poured water on my back as I leaned against the side and that really helped too. I drank tons of water and just tried to focus on getting through each contraction. Finally, my body decided it was time to push, but I was not dialated enough to do so yet, so I had to breathe through it. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The pain was incredible, and trying to keep my body from pushing was almost impossible, but everyone just kept encouraging me that I could do it. Without that encouragement, I would not have been able to make it through that pain. Each contraction that came over me was more intense than the last, and it seemed like they went on forever. I knew I had an hour of this breathing to go through before I could push and it seemed like an eternity. Amanda reminded me, one contraction at a time. I kept telling her I couldn't do it, and she would look me right in the eyes and say, "Yes, you can do this Laura." It gave me the confidence I needed to stay strong and on top of the pain. My mom, after each one, would say "You did it! Great job!" and it really made me feel like I was progressing. I really can't stress enough how much love and support I had in that room, because I couldn't have done it without each one of those people being there for me.

I remember at some point my dad came home from work, it must have been around 1:30 pm, and my mom inviting him down into the room. I didn't think he would want to be there for the birth, but I'm so glad he ended up staying because it was so wonderful to have my mom, dad and my sister there for it. I think they all took something away from the experience that was more than they expected.

After about forty minutes of breathing through the pushy contractions, Kathy checked me again and told me it was OK to start pushing. I said "Thank you!" and almost cried from the relief I felt at knowing I could work with my body and finally get to see my baby! On the next contraction, I pushed and it was the worst and best pain I have ever felt. The contractions had slowed way down, which Amy told me later was a sign that my body was getting ready for the delivery, so I just rested in between so that I would have the energy to push as hard as I could at the end, since she was breech and I knew I had to get her out fast. I pushed for a few contractions in the pool, and then Kathy, Amy, Amanda and I went to the bathroom where I sat on the toilet and pushed a few times. This really seemed to help, and after about four or so pushes, we went back to the pool. That was really hard because the baby had moved down so much from the pushing and I thought I wouldn't be able to walk! Once I got back into the pool, I had about three more contractions and on the last one, I pushed with everything I had. I heard my mom saying something about "There's the baby! Laura, she's coming!" and that was all it took for me to just give it my all and push her out. She came out so fast and then I was holding her in my arms in a matter of seconds! I couldn't believe it! I felt so relieved and so happy and emotional all at the same time. I could not believe I was holding my beautiful baby girl in my arms after only less than seven hours of labor. She was born at 3:03 pm on 3/03. How amazing!

It's hard to express just how fully I felt the Lord's presence at MaryJane's birth. Not only in the miracle of my daughter being born, but in the love I felt from and for the people who were there with me, and the peaceful, beautiful nature of the birth. I trusted fully in Him to provide, and He did. I could not have imagined a more incredible experience.

ETA: I can't believe I forgot to add that it was my midwife, Amy's birthday too! How amazing is that?!?

MaryJane Kathryn
born 3:03 pm on 3/03
6 lbs. 14 oz.
19 1/2"

What they don't tell you about being pregnant...

I write this list in a very lighthearted manner, because despite some of the harder days I have thoroughly enjoyed my pregnancy and been blessed to have a healthy eight months, so far. However, here are some of the things that they don't tell you about being pregnant.

1. Morning sickness is not just in the morning. It's all day long. And it can strike at a moment's notice, with absolutely no warning.

2. I honestly have no idea that I'm acting crazy and hormonal. To me I seem perfectly normal.

3. Everyone has a different theory of what you can and can't eat, drink, be around, etc. If you took everyone's advice, you'd never get to eat, drink or do anything.

4. Getting kicked/punched repeatedly in the bladder... it's never-ending. Not to mention that you always, and I mean ALWAYS have to pee, so it doesn't help matters any.

5. People -even complete strangers- have no problem telling you if they think you are too small, too big, carrying low or high, or expressing any other opinion on the way your pregnant self looks without being asked.

6. The dreams! Every night the bizarreness tops the night before.

7. When you need a donut (or a hamburger, or a pickle dipped in icing), it's not just a 'craving'; you will literally obsess about it until you have one.

8. While the baby's movements feel weird at first, you get used to them. The hiccups the baby gets, however, are definitely the strangest feeling.

9. Advertisers prey on your fears and emotions as a pregnant woman in order to convince you that you need every brand new expensive thing on the market or else you're going to be a bad mom.

10. You are more loved and supported than you ever imagined, and your friends and family will go out of their way to help you in any way they can!