As I settle into my second trimester, my sickness gone, my appetite back and my mood improved, I am beginning to realize on a deeper level why God desires us to have children within a marriage. I find myself praying to Jesus, asking Him to be the husband I need right now. It's very hard and very lonely to be pregnant and alone. By alone, I don't mean physically alone, as my parents are incredibly supportive and of course I live with them, and my friends have been wonderful and caring and giving, and I have my sister and my niece who are so excited already. However, it's different when it's your own child. When I lay in bed at night and feel my little girl moving around inside me, it's a very humbling and awe-filled experience, creating an intense emotional response. But there's no one next to me, who I can say, "feel this!" to, and know that's its not only creating the same emotions in him but also bringing us closer to each other over this incredible gift that God has given. In a way I almost feel more separate from my friends and family than ever before because of my pregnancy. There's so many deep feelings and thoughts going on in my head and they're not the kind of thing you call up a friend and chat about, or bring up at the dinner table with Mom and Dad.
It's safe to say I still have a lot of guilt that is preventing me from fully enjoying this experience as well, and I'm working on that every day. I do believe that God has a plan for my daughter and for me, but it's so hard to see that right now when all I can think of is the stupid, selfish decisions I made that resulted in this situation. I realize that what I'm going through now emotionally is a direct result of my sin and I am responsible for those decisions but I don't always know what is the right thing to do now that I have come back into the fold of God's love and grace and have repented for those things.
I know God will continue to provide me with what I need to get through this and I know that he will provide for my child as well. Praise God, He has already made sure I have what I need and enabled me to make it even when I thought I wouldn't, both financially and emotionally. Please just pray that God will also fill my heart with peace and surety, that He will be my child's true and real Father and that he will be the Husband there next to me when I need Him to be.
2 comments:
First of all, I didn't realize you were having a girl! How fun that will be. Secondly, what a raw and open and honest post. With the way you talk about this, I believe you are going to be a fantastic mom. It is scary at times, even when you have that someone next to you, but it's also one of the most incredible experiences you will have. Even though it came about in less than ideal circumstances, I'm glad you are able to see it as a blessing as well, and that your family is helpful and loving. I will pray that not only will God provide you with the peace and security that you need, but that someday, sooner rather than later, he will provide you with an earthly husband that will be a friend and support to you and a wonderful father for this baby girl. (sending hugs)
Thank you, Michelle!
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